Went back home recently and this last visit made it all the more harder to leave...
Celebrating the last of the 'Rare Ones', my sister's Wedding, I found myself dividing my time between home, friends and family.
Looking at my parents - my dear Mom who was at the airport to meet me, the first person, first face I saw and then seeing my Dad...a man of so little words. All the excitement and build up to the last wedding at the Macapagal household made me want to slow time down.
The lead up to the wedding must've stirred some emotions and unsaid words with my Dad. Upon the drive to the Hotel, a day before the wedding, my father suddenly said 'We love you so much Toni, you are such a great success and such a good leader for your siblings who look up to you...it makes me sad that you don't look after yourself. We alway want you to be strong and healthy...it makes me mad that you are slowly killing yourself...' - he was of course referring to his discovery that I've gone back to smoking. Yes, yes, I should stop and I have done it before and I will do so again - I just need to finish it through. When I looked at the rearview mirror - I suddenly saw how old and tired my father looked. I realised that I really should listen and stop - it's not as if its doing me any favours. I should stop not only for myself but also I need to stop being so selfish and not add to my father's worries, besides I also want to have babies. I also realised that for the first time in the 36 years I've been on this earth this was the first time, my father said outloud 'he loved me'. Not that I ever doubted it, I always knew but my father is not the type of man who would say such a thing.
On the day of the wedding I watched as my father walked his last daughter down the aisle and when came time to give my sister away I saw the same familiar way he was reluctant to let go of her hand. I saw the same thing happen when my youngest sister got married. Though this time, I caught his eye and smiled and nodded almost telling him 'it's ok Dad, you can let her go, she's found a good man'.
I mentioned this to my Mom after the ceremony and she chuckled 'well, you are all his daughters...no one will ever be good enough for his girls but he's really happy that you all have good men that's all we want that you are all happy'.
During the speech, when my father was talking about my sister 'I never really worried that she would find someone - out of all my daughters she is the one who would be a challenge. If a man could take on that challenge, then that man would know the rare treasure he found' - let's just say, there was not a dry eye in the room.
After all the formalities, my father joined both my sister and I on the dance floor...he took us both under his arms and said 'I love you Joyce, I love you Toni' and hugged us. Both my sister and I were taken aback...I was the first that said 'I love you too Dad' and hugged him back...and my sister said the same. Worried, I asked my Mom if there was something they weren't telling us...she simply said 'You're father is tipsy' - I then proceeded to laugh my head off. Though, I do know that Dad knew what he was saying at the time and I choose accept that he was feeling the joy and success of having had 4 children all happily married.
I mentioned this to my Mom after the ceremony and she chuckled 'well, you are all his daughters...no one will ever be good enough for his girls but he's really happy that you all have good men that's all we want that you are all happy'.
During the speech, when my father was talking about my sister 'I never really worried that she would find someone - out of all my daughters she is the one who would be a challenge. If a man could take on that challenge, then that man would know the rare treasure he found' - let's just say, there was not a dry eye in the room.
After all the formalities, my father joined both my sister and I on the dance floor...he took us both under his arms and said 'I love you Joyce, I love you Toni' and hugged us. Both my sister and I were taken aback...I was the first that said 'I love you too Dad' and hugged him back...and my sister said the same. Worried, I asked my Mom if there was something they weren't telling us...she simply said 'You're father is tipsy' - I then proceeded to laugh my head off. Though, I do know that Dad knew what he was saying at the time and I choose accept that he was feeling the joy and success of having had 4 children all happily married.
It is one of those moments in your life that you realise in an almost melancholy way...memories is all you will have after they are gone. Lately, since I've been back here in SG - I keep remembering these moments...a man whom I've grown up knowing does not say much, but does all he can to make sure we all wanted for nothing, who always kept food on the table, who always made us laugh and always made me feel that I could do anything I put my mind to...is getting old.
One of the reasons I am what I am today is partly because I am proud to be my father's daughter. He was the first man I ever loved, the first man who told me I was worth my weight in gold, the first man who wiped away my tears, the first man who I fought with, the first man to put me on his shoulders and say 'look at my girl' and the man who stood proud by his daughters as he walked them down the aisle to give them away. I am my Daddy's girl and I don't see anything wrong with that, afterall the thing I hate doing most is disappointing my father.
So Daddy I will listen and you are right - I won't make you sad anymore - I'm going to stop and Daddy...for all the troubles we went through the growing pains thank you for your patience. All I do is because I want you and Mom to be proud of me, I know it took a lot for you to say and show your affections...I will always have my husband my soulmate, but you will always be the one true love of my life. I LOVE YOU Daddy for always!
No comments:
Post a Comment