I remember you...

Today I thought of you when there seems to be saddness in the air mixed with anticipation for happier times ahead..there you were in my thoughts...you made me smile.

You were the one moment in my life where I knew that you were sent for a purpose, the one memory that makes me smile softly recalling the fond memories we created for the short time we were together. You came at a time when I was lost, where darkness was relief and comfort, where my heart was broken and still trying to heal and I was desperate to forget the hurt I was feeling.

Then you came, it started with a smile that led to friendly banter which led to a closer friendship and long talks at the balcony with you telling me 'I wish you'd stop smoking' but you still sat with me anyway.

I never realised during those times what others saw - could you possibly have feelings for me? I remember how could I entertain such a thought when you were...well...so beautiful. Eyes as blue as the sky on clear, sunny day, a dimpled smile that always brought such wistful looks from others around me, hands that were gentle yet strong as they held mine and a shoulder I leaned on when at times my heart couldn't contain the hurt.

I remember the day you bought me my favourite chocolates with a note 'eat these instead of smoking', the strange almost envious looks others gave me when you'd ask if I was on the same shift.  Then the day of confessions and shock arrived when you asked if I could take a chance you. I remember when you asked 'don't let the pass scare you for taking a step forward onto a different path'. I couldn't beleive, even to this day, how such a beautiful creature wanted to give his heart to me, to someone who was broken and wounded.

I remember your smile, the way you'd playfully tease me saying all I used my pager for was to page you to see me. I remember how you used to make sure, even though at the end of your 24hr shift, you'd come by and check to make sure I was alright and fed. I remember you were sweet that way, I was the envy of the ward every time you came and bestowed me your smile.

I want to remember you that way - I didn't get the chance to say 'thank you' for taking the chance with me and giving me beautiful memories that I fondly look back on, for being such a gentleman when we parted ways, for wishing me well and happiness. I never told you that you were the one that made me feel that I was constantly floating on a cloud for every smile you gave my way, for every time you looked at me with those blue eyes of yours, for everytime you held me and the way your kisses made feel so light on my feet.

I hope that wherever you are that you are just as happy as I am that you have found that other half you were longing for, that she's the one who makes sure you are alright and fed after your shift.

Though we parted, I know in my heart that it was the right thing to do, I'm greateful for the time we shared, I'm grateful that you made me step into the light and for making me feel that everyday you spent with me was a privilege - a girl could not have asked for more.

You are the one memory and one moment in my life where I wished my heart sang for you, but God said 'Toni he's not the one you are praying for'...he was right...I am with the one my heart sings, beats and dances for...

Funnily enough you were the one that made me realise that when I was standing at the cross roads - you said 'be with the one who will cherish you in all the ways you are ...' and the choice was clearer...

Thank you for showing me that even though there's a storm, I can still dance in the rain...

I don't wish for you or what could've been...I just remember you...

Endearing words and memories...

Went back home recently and this last visit made it all the more harder to leave...

Celebrating the last of the 'Rare Ones', my sister's Wedding, I found myself dividing my time between home, friends and family.

Looking at my parents - my dear Mom who was at the airport to meet me, the first person, first face I saw and then seeing my Dad...a man of so little words. All the excitement and build up to the last wedding at the Macapagal household made me want to slow time down.

The lead up to the wedding must've stirred some emotions and unsaid words with my Dad. Upon the drive to the Hotel, a day before the wedding, my father suddenly said 'We love you so much Toni, you are such a great success and such a good leader for your siblings who look up to you...it makes me sad that you don't look after yourself. We alway want you to be strong and healthy...it makes me mad that you are slowly killing yourself...' - he was of course referring to his discovery that I've gone back to smoking. Yes, yes, I should stop and I have done it before and I will do so again - I just need to finish it through. When I looked at the rearview mirror - I suddenly saw how old and tired my father looked. I realised that I really should listen and stop - it's not as if its doing me any favours. I should stop not only for myself but also I need to stop being so selfish and not add to my father's worries, besides I also want to have babies. I also realised that for the first time in the 36 years I've been on this earth this was the first time, my father said outloud 'he loved me'. Not that I ever doubted it, I always knew but my father is not the type of man who would say such a thing.

On the day of the wedding I watched as my father walked his last daughter down the aisle and when came time to give my sister away I saw the same familiar way he was reluctant to let go of her hand. I saw the same thing happen when my youngest sister got married. Though this time, I caught his eye and smiled and nodded almost telling him 'it's ok Dad, you can let her go, she's found a good man'.

I mentioned this to my Mom after the ceremony and she chuckled 'well, you are all his daughters...no one will ever be good enough for his girls but he's really happy that you all have good men that's all we want that you are all happy'.

During the speech, when my father was talking about my sister 'I never really worried that she would find someone - out of all my daughters she is the one who would be a challenge. If a man could take on that challenge, then that man would know the rare treasure he found' - let's just say, there was not a dry eye in the room.

After all the formalities, my father joined both my sister and I on the dance floor...he took us both under his arms and said 'I love you Joyce, I love you Toni' and hugged us. Both my sister and I were taken aback...I was the first that said 'I love you too Dad' and hugged him back...and my sister said the same. Worried, I asked my Mom if there was something they weren't telling us...she simply said 'You're father is tipsy' - I then proceeded to laugh my head off. Though, I do know that Dad knew what he was saying at the time and I choose accept that he was feeling the joy and success of having had 4 children all happily married.

 

It is one of those moments in your life that you realise in an almost melancholy way...memories is all you will have after they are gone. Lately, since I've been back here in SG - I keep remembering these moments...a man whom I've grown up knowing does not say much, but does all he can to make sure we all wanted for nothing, who always kept food on the table, who always made us laugh and always made me feel that I could do anything I put my mind to...is getting old.

One of the reasons I am what I am today is partly because I am proud to be my father's daughter. He was the first man I ever loved, the first man who told me I was worth my weight in gold, the first man who wiped away my tears, the first man who I fought with, the first man to put me on his shoulders and say 'look at my girl' and the man who stood proud by his daughters as he walked them down the aisle to give them away. I am my Daddy's girl and I don't see anything wrong with that, afterall the thing I hate doing most is disappointing my father.

So Daddy I will listen and you are right - I won't make you sad anymore - I'm going to stop and Daddy...for all the troubles we went through the growing pains thank you for your patience. All I do is because I want you and Mom to be proud of me, I know it took a lot for you to say and show your affections...I will always have my husband my soulmate, but you will always be the one true love of my life. I LOVE YOU Daddy for always!

An Interesting Question

A few days ago I was asked to provide my opinion or views on Xenophobia/ Citize-Immigrant divide here in SG from the eyes of a Foreigner from an intern who is doing research on this.

I was a little apprehensive at first and asked if I should be honest - now my version of honesty can be viewed by others as brutal or offensive. I was told by my local friends to be honest. Following this advice, I was honest but without the brutality that usually comes with my opinions ie I don't usually have grey areas but in this case I thought to be 'diplomatic'.

My response...

After living here for just over 2 years, I would have to say that 90% of my experience has been positive. Most of the Singaporeans that I know are wonderful, down to earth, kind people and has even been kind enough to embrace my curiosity in learning more about Singaporean culture and beliefs.

I’ve learnt a long time ago not to pay heed to any popular belief or following the status quo – I’ve been taught to not judge first without knowing. Besides, I thend to go to 'the beat of my drum' as the saying goes.

I haven’t even heard of xenophobia or read the papers written about it, as I understand it is the fear of the unknown. In my opinion you only have fear if you feel threatened and you feel threatened only if you don’t have the confidence to face that fear.

If it is by this definition, then I think Singaporeans’ xenophobia will always be present and constant and I don’t think there would be an overnight solution. Though Singapore is not alone with this regard, in every country there is always that 10% minority that don’t understand the unknown whether that is cultural, religious, gender and sexuality differences.

If I were to be honest, I have had not so nice experiences whilst living here in Singapore but it’s not something new to me either – it’s everywhere in the world no matter which country, but that doesn’t mean I tolerate it, I do speak my mind particularly when comments are aimed at me.

Personally I think ‘Xenophobia’ is exactly the same as ‘Discrimination’ both stem from fear of the unknown or feeling threatened because of insecurities or the lack of willingness in one’s self to learn before passing judgement – ‘Xenophobia’ just sounds nicer.

However, the positives outweigh the negatives, I find it amusing that the term ‘FTs’ – which I recently learned meant Foreign Talent, is aimed at foreigners. I don’t find it discourteous or a derogatory remark, though I know it is – it actually sounds like a compliment, there are worse things to be called. Yes, I am a Foreigner and I do have Talent that I am more than happy to share in which Singapore or any country I put mind to go to, can benefit from – that’s my positive take. I laugh that sometimes the most viable solution is just to tell foreigners to simply 'go back to your country', when equally I could easily turn around and say the same thing - right?

I find it such a paradox that for a multi-cultural country that celebrates its diverse cultures that there are still discrepancies and inequalities even between the races that helped built Singapore as a nation, so there is that to consider as well as the citizen-immigrant divide. Education, self-awareness, cross-cultural activities play a great deal in acceptance but no one can be pushed to do these things, for those that are unwilling – well I say wallow in your self-doubt, fear and resentment it all leads to unhappiness and stress which are not very good for one’s health and well-being.

Then again I’m a bit of a paradox myself, am I considered a typical foreigner here in Singapore? I don’t think so, first thing they see is that I’m Asian, when I say I’m Australian the next question is ‘Where are you originally from’ and my response is usually ‘My Mom’.

Pure Perfection, 18 November 2010

4th Wedding Anniversary 
Anilao, Mabini, Batangas
Crystal Blue Resort 

This year we celebrated our 4^th Wedding Anniversary at Anilao, Mabini, Batangas City. It’s very well known for one of the best diving sites in Luzon. They didn’t disappoint!

Our day began at 5am, yes that’s right…all to beat the traffic! Amazingly enough we did get there with little trouble…hired a car with a driver (yes, very posh) for very little P1k + P500 petrol + P150 in tolls and arrived at our destination around 830am.

Upon arriving at our resort our poor driver had to navigate through what could only best described as a footpath instead of a road. A very steep one at that!

On arrival we surveyed our temporary home for the next 3 days, the first thing I noticed, it must have an awesome view of the ocean! It was simple but cosy…it felt homey.

First thing was first, breakfast please!

After breakfast we thought to plan our day for the rest of our stay, number one on our list was a definitely a dive!

Our introductory dive which comes with all the equipment and master diver to accompany us only cost us P2500 each and we had 1hr each! Bargain I say! 

I was so excited with the prospect of a dive that it didn’t really matter there was no TV in our room…that was fine since we had aircondtioning and a marvellous view of the ocean and stunning sunsets.

Day 2 Our dive

Excited but a little nervous about what I will actually see underwater, we had our dive at 10am offshore. We literally just had to walk in from our resort!

Now do you understand my worry? I look like an appetizing entree for a shark

Rom asked me if I wanted to go first, so I figured yes I wanted to get this nervous feeling out of the way!

I was so nervous about the mouthpiece getting away from me, I held onto it for dear life! Apart from my very healthy imagination of encountering sharks and lord knows what else that lives under the sea! 

The first thing I saw on descent...coral as far as you could see in all it’s glorious colours. The deeper I went the more excited I got, saw so many different tropical fish, visited nemo up close and personal in his home, saw this shrimp looking thing and I kept thinking…you would be so nice in garlic butter hehehe, hey I'm a Pinay of course I think of food!

I went deeper and saw trevally, red snapper and before I realised it my hour was over and I had to head back up. I asked how far we went down, 32 feet…quite an achievement and I told Rom, we are going again tomorrow at a different site! I was certainly determined to go 50 feet.

Day 3 Seeing Twin Rocks and Picnic @ an isolated beach

We were so excited at the prospect of going to a different site for our dive, it was called Twin Rocks. Rom went first for an hour, he came up and said that I would definitely love it!  He went down at 55 feet! He wasn’t wrong!

My turn :)

Talk about traffic underwater, there were so many divers at this site, most taking photos that I had to watch where I was going. Off in the distance I saw a school of trevally/jacks…they looked pretty tiny but as soon as we descended they were definitely much bigger than I thought. I had a ‘national geographic’ or ‘discovery’ moment when I sat down amongst the school and look up to see them swimming around and above me – it was surreal.

I saw 2 bat fish, those freaky looking fish they are huge! I was really fascinated with the different coloured sea slugs they were so cute. Now I knew why they called it twin rocks, when you get down to 50 feet there are 2 very large opposing rocks all filled with multiple soft corals, giant clams. The coral was just amazing so full of colour…I wish I had an underwater camera!

Now going around 50feet you don’t really notice how deep you are until you look up and see the almost perfect 80 degree drop from the top to bottom and there’s still more to go!

Because I was getting so carried away with the scenery, I decided to look into this rock…guess what the hell came out to greet me…a freakin’ eel! I almost yelped with surprise, but I think it was more scared of me than I with it.

There were so many starfish, orange, blue, red and I kept seeing nemo everywhere.

I was definitely hooked! I told Rom once I went back up that we are getting certified!

After the dive, you certainly work up an appetite, having the boat all to ourselves we were taken to paradise…a stretch of white sandy beach and azure waters to have our seafood picnic.

We had freshly caught tuna, garlic butter prawns, turon (banana with caramel) and wine! I asked myself whilst looking upon this view…

Can life be anymore beautiful and wonderful? 

In perfect isolation...

Enjoying our garlic butter prawns

Freshly BBQ tuna

A walk to remember

Pure perfection! 

Here's a new one...

My weekly adventure which I actually look forward to is going to the markets at Gudalupe. I haven't been for a while since either we've been away or because I've been unwell because of allergies and headaches of the like.


But today was the first time in almost 2 weeks that I've gone back to do my weekly shopping.


I'm accompanied by our helper, anyways, after buying our fish, vegetables and fruits for the week, as we often do, we catch a taxi home.


REWIND - now most people know I'm a foreigner because well one I stick out like a sore thumb even if I don't think I do and secondly I'm the only one who actually has a smash bag (like an eski that is compact) to put my fish in. For obvious reasons that I like my produce fresh, so obviously being that it is a wet market it's what one does to prevent the produce fresh and cool. Well that's what I use to do back home anyhow.


So with that in mind, that means that what ever is wet or smelly is kept in that smash bag - mainly fish :P 


Ok so here we are in our taxi, why am I surprised when this happens...the taxi driver asks 'Do you have fish there' - the smash bag was on my helper's lap and of course she said yes and then he asked if there was any fish on the plastic bag on the floor and she said no. Obviously I got the message that he didn't want anything to be leaking on his semi-rotten, NON-AIRCONDITIONED BUT ADVERTISED AIRCONDITIONED TAXI. He said that there should be an extra P50 on the fare because he can smell the fish and it will ruin his car (that is the first I've ever heard of this right royal BULLSHET). Anyways, my helper insisted that all the fish in the smash bag doesn't leak and if it does, it'll leak on her (which it wouldn't by the way). I told her to not worry and told the taxi driver 'Ako na lang ang bahala basta ihatid mo kami sa bahay namin'.


So obviously we pulled up at our condo and gave him the fare as it was metered P70. Then he looked at me and said 'where's the extra'. I took out my perfume and sprayed it in the taxi and I kindly said with a smile 'There you go Manong, I sprayed my expensive perfume to make your bulok, rusty, non-airconditioned, dirty car...you must think I'm stupid to fall for that bullshit you gave me - I'm a foreigner, not an IDIOT!' with that I slammed the door and told the guard to make sure they get his plate number and I've explained the story to them. They told me that he shouldn't have done that in the first place, that it was illegal to extort (well unfortunately no one here pays too much attention to breaking that law) that he was an idiot! Well I knew that anyway...


Seriously, where do they get these taxi drivers from? I haven't travelled much but I'm sure that there's no other like Filipino Taxi Drivers! 

Shower in the rain

I'm paying for the latest adventure I had in the rain.


As you all know Typhoon Juan (Megi) came through the top of Luzon, it was referred as a super typhoon and we felt the effects here in Manila also.


Unbeknown to me I hate thought it had already gone by on the Monday I woke up and it wasn't too bad, overcast so still ok to go to school. No real updates on the TV so I thought pretty safe.


Anyways I got to Salceido Village and the winds had obviously picked up, after a quick dinner I headed off to class. 


Whilst class was ending, we heard the rain and it was Typhoon Juan letting it's presence be felt by all of metro Manila.


After several taxis later who refused to take me to my home (about 15mins away without traffic) I finally got one and the rains seemed to subside.


So I thought it would be a great idea to get off at Burgos Circle to get some dinner for Rom and walk home. No later did I get out of the taxi, did it POUR hard from every direction. My poor umbrella couldn't take the winds so I thought it better to just simply walk in the rain. Except I was literally soaked in 2 secs - no joke!


I got home and Rom said 'what happened to you?' I said 'I took a shower'.... 4 days later I've got a cold :(

Masskara Festival - Bacolod 15-17 October 2010

In preparation for this festival I thought to purchase a mask - it looked pretty darn good also.
Landing in Bacolod on Friday evening to meet up with friends at the hotel (L'Fisher) I was really impressed at how friendly and smiley everyone was in Bacolod. You could tell that Masskara was definitely on with the banners, masks decorating the streets or buildings so I was feeling really excited with it all.

As we neared our hotel, you could really hear the festivities had begun in earnest, even though there was a downpour before our arrival.

Checking into our rooms, we headed off to have dinner at Cafe Uma just behind the hotel. The music was so loud and a lot of people everywhere having an awesome time! I love it!

After dinner, we headed up to the Roof Top Party at L'Fisher hotel - HUWOW! They really know how to throw a party. Ushered to our reserved table we began with our free San Mig drinks, a perfect way to cool down since it was extremely humid.

I loved the decor at the hotel, all out and not to mention the entertainment all the way from Boracay the fire dancers. One was definitely attracted to Rom (happy to say it was a girl) and made a bee-line to show case her skills at swirling balls of fired around him. Though Rom thought it better she stayed away fearing he might be set alight :P

As the night went on, obviously the organisers thought it would be a great idea also for those single ladies and gentlemen to mingle so the blue and pink balloons that I was curious about were being distributed...again Rom was given a blue one. Each balloon had a tag which was allocated a number - now the instructions were to find your soulmate you must go seek the same number allocated to you. I thought well that's going to be a problem since this one already has a wife (obvious here that Rom doesn't wear his wedding band...not that I mind). Rom gave it to our friend Abs who happily accepted it.

I did chuckle a little when 2 girls who weren't exactly matching the criteria that Abs had in mind were eagerly seeking their soulmate...so he hid the balloon :P

At around 2am I was turning into a pumpkin already, don't usually stay up beyond the twilight hours so I excused myself to go to bed and left the gang to party on.

Didn't really do any good either as the party could be heard from our room - it seems that we had a direct line to the DJ since our room was conveniently looked under one of the draft tunnels throughout the hotel. I particularly didn't want to hear a conversation with a bunch of girls and boys who were talking about their recent escapade to Boracay so I thought to tell them via the PA system ie the draft tunnel.

Shortly after 3am the music stopped, so you would think I would get some sleep...however, our roommate was sucking out all the air in the room so you could safely confirm that neither Rom or I got any sleep at all that night.

The following morning we had our breakfast and I for one wanted to sample the pool. It was complete bliss just chilling at my sunken lounge chair by the pool bar in the pool where there was ample shade and obviously easy access to drinks :P

I sample their Pina Colada and Rom, well sampled their 'gaytini' (that's what I refered to his Dacquiri drink that came in a cocktail glass) :P

We met up with the rest of gang who were a little worse for wear but still able to walk about the towncentre with us - it was pretty warm - oh I forgot to mention Typhoon Juan (Megi), the super typhoon was also predicted to come this weekend. I was really fascinated by the masks...I loved the craftmanship...I was tempted to buy the biggest one they had, but I thought to buy the smaller ones since with my hyper-active imagination I might scare myself with the bigger ones if I hung it at home.

Our local guide, our friend also, wanted us to go the original Chicken House (we have one at the Fort called Chicken Bacolod Chicken House). We ordered a feast and though one of us was reluctant to eat with their hands, we all did it the Filo way - KAMAYAN just the way it should be. It's the best way to eat I think!

Feeling like I could be rolled out of this restaurant, we thought to take the jeepney back to the hotel which was at the opposite side of the road. After navigating our selves through traffic, we eventually ended up on the otherside to take the jeepney. We had coffee at the Cafe with our flourless chocolate cake it was just so nice to kick back and relax.

Siesta time until Fiesta time later on!

Around 7pm we ate at the local italian restaurant, great food and also great location for the street party where some of the floats would be passing. It was the last day of Masskara festival! By this time I wished I could have been more awake but I fear that the lack of sleep from the night before was catching up.

Both Rom and decided to have a nap before contemplating to come out later.

The group obviously wanted to sample the Lechon from L'Fisher outdoor restaurant...Rom also couldn't keep his mind of it so after a couple of hours resting we decided to meet up with the girls at the rooftop - low and behold there they chomping down on the lechon.

It seems all we did was eat right...well, in truth that is exactly what we did...after all what is a fiesta for?

The following morning we were harder to wake up and when breakfast became lunch at the seafood restaurant.

All I can say is that both Rom and I are now on a vegetarian diet after this weekend. We had grilled sea bass, squid, blue marlin, scallops, prawns and all the rice you can eat. Then our friend mentioned that we should definitely try Napoleones and Half Moon Cake.

Ok this is just pure evil for one who is a diabetic such as myself to be introduced to such mouthwatering delicacies! Half-moon cake is a moist sponge cake topped with I could only best described as condensed milk as the icing, Napoleones is a pastry that crumbles in your mouth along with custard and icing all I can say is that I'm medicating myself and that I was good enough to limit myself to one piece each.

I love Bacolod and imagine I only saw a little bit of it, I really do want to go back and sample the rest of the town's hospitality and surroundings. It reminded me so much of another place, Vanuatu...the town people are always smiling and friendly, the traffic non-existent and not once did I have to worry about my bag being taken away by some person.

Since this was my first fiesta here, I'm addicted and definitely want to sample the Ati-Atihand in Aklan this coming January! I can't wait for that one :)

Thank you Bacolod, you definitely earned your 'smiling town' award :P